There is no tomorrow
I have moved out of my village. Rode out on my bike with my possessions packed on sticks to extend my carrier's capacity. It was hard to leave.
Two weeks ago my replacement came to my site to see her new home and get an idea of the place while she was still in training. Having to start giving my house and work to someone else was the first time leaving felt real. It was good to meet her and be able to transfer as much knowledge as I could in a week, though overwhelming for her, and strange for me. I kept feeling jealous of her for getting to live there, for getting to start fresh - envious of the opportunity to have what I had but also a chance to do it better. An opportunity which really isn't there and really isn't about her. She will make her own mistakes. She will make it her own place. All my hopes for her to be just like me only calmer, stronger, more patient, more kind, more thorough- are really just hopes for myself. I hope to be just like myself only calmer, stronger, more patient, more kind, more thorough. More sincere and more deliberate with my life.
A good friend reminded me that not only is it time for me to leave, it is time for my community to have someone new too.
She is going to care for Garbanzo which makes my heart rest a little easier. I hope she falls in love with him. I kind of took it for granted that everyone would enjoy a cat sleeping on your neck or enjoy the daily preening for ticks as loving quality time. He will be fine. He is lovable. And gets to stay in his own house.
Time to leave and let go. My last week was a perfect village week. It was everything I could have hoped for in my last days. And what I realized as I was doing everything for the last time is that my appreciation of all these experiences didn't really increase knowing they were fleeting. There can be such a desperation in last times- trying to soak it in so much that it can never leave. But it made it easier to leave knowing that I soaked it in every time. That I appreciated and loved and recognized through out. I didn't need to soak it in any more because it is there already. There is a sadness in leaving this place and life that I will probably never come back to but the desperation of regret is not there. The time I spent here was good. I like who I am though I was at times worried I would not turn out a better person.
I suppose the turning out is ongoing.
So on to other things. Unknown things. That feels exciting.
Two weeks ago my replacement came to my site to see her new home and get an idea of the place while she was still in training. Having to start giving my house and work to someone else was the first time leaving felt real. It was good to meet her and be able to transfer as much knowledge as I could in a week, though overwhelming for her, and strange for me. I kept feeling jealous of her for getting to live there, for getting to start fresh - envious of the opportunity to have what I had but also a chance to do it better. An opportunity which really isn't there and really isn't about her. She will make her own mistakes. She will make it her own place. All my hopes for her to be just like me only calmer, stronger, more patient, more kind, more thorough- are really just hopes for myself. I hope to be just like myself only calmer, stronger, more patient, more kind, more thorough. More sincere and more deliberate with my life.
A good friend reminded me that not only is it time for me to leave, it is time for my community to have someone new too.
She is going to care for Garbanzo which makes my heart rest a little easier. I hope she falls in love with him. I kind of took it for granted that everyone would enjoy a cat sleeping on your neck or enjoy the daily preening for ticks as loving quality time. He will be fine. He is lovable. And gets to stay in his own house.
Time to leave and let go. My last week was a perfect village week. It was everything I could have hoped for in my last days. And what I realized as I was doing everything for the last time is that my appreciation of all these experiences didn't really increase knowing they were fleeting. There can be such a desperation in last times- trying to soak it in so much that it can never leave. But it made it easier to leave knowing that I soaked it in every time. That I appreciated and loved and recognized through out. I didn't need to soak it in any more because it is there already. There is a sadness in leaving this place and life that I will probably never come back to but the desperation of regret is not there. The time I spent here was good. I like who I am though I was at times worried I would not turn out a better person.
I suppose the turning out is ongoing.
So on to other things. Unknown things. That feels exciting.
posted by Keli at 10:25 PM
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