Back in the U.S.A.
I have been back in the states for two months and I still have not entirely figured out how to explain the transition. Partially because it is difficult to understand. It would be easier if it was tangibly difficult but really turns out to be very vague. Like a quiet undercurrent of emotions I can't quite name. I figure trying to write about it might help.
I miss Zambia. I miss my house and my village. I miss my way of life there and the work I was doing. But I think the most difficult part now is not that missing but that my life there feels so distant and inaccessible. It is difficult to find parts of my life now that relate. I was talking to one woman I don't know very well about being back in the US and her response was "well you must be so happy to be back!" I said yes I was but I was also happy in Zambia too. To which she said, "Well but you wouldn't want to live that way forever."
There are some really nice things about being in America. There are LOTS of really convenient things about being in America. But for every thing that is easy or nice (like hot showers, grocery stores, washing machines) there are things in Zambia that I really miss and can't have (like outdoor showers, leisurely Sundays doing my laundry by hand while listening to the BBC). So though taking a hot shower is really nice, cold milk is really nice, it also just doesn't matter that much.
It is strange that for every convenience here it seems there is something very peaceful forfeited.
I told my friend once that the great thing about living in the village is you are forced to have amazing experiences. For instance, I hardly ever choose to get up at sunrise but having to catch the bus at 5:30 in the mornings made me be regularly present for the very peaceful experience of walking though a quiet village as the sun comes up. You really learn to appreciate the opportunity instead of getting stuck in the inconvenience. Experiences of equal peace, exhilaration, beauty or novelty are very easy to avoid here.
So it comes down to what new decisions will I make in this old context- now that expectations have changed and my perception of happy living has widened.
I said many times while I was in Peace Corps that I expected this experience to allow me a step back - a greater freedom from the binds of American life. It is distressing to find that is actually still easy to get swept up in that current.
I have been cleaning out my room - an overwhelming process simply because I am a pack rat - but also turning out to be strangely emotional. Having a room full of useless stuff feels disgusting. Evidence of an excessive culture- evidence of how personal that excessive culture is within me. The difficult part is feeling disgusted by the stuff and also, at the same time, feeling emotionally attached to it. It is turning out to be a neat little example of my struggle. Wanting something else, having a different perspective than I did before, but still feeling the force of habit and nostalgia which make it hard to change.
I have been thinking about why it is so hard to change personal habits or even collective cultural habits when there are better ways and when it is obvious our routine is not working. I think some of it is laziness or maybe I should say overwhelmedness, because figuring out how exactly you want to change things takes some work. Some of it is cultural pressure because other people want to feel validated in not changing their own habits. Some of it is an addiction to luxury. But no one is entitled to luxury. Some of it is nostalgia for every detail about one's way of life. I think this is an interesting thing to think about - the nostaligia of lifestyle. When things are tied to memories, loved ones, and tradition the answer to the question "is this good for me?" is not easy to embrace. It isn't easy to even ask.
I am trying to decide what is worth doing, what is worth being forceful about. This is what I have so far.
1. Don't drive places that are easy to walk to
2. Don't own a car at all
3. Prioritize local food - which may mean more money but from what I will save on buying fewer TVs and fuel it should work out
4. Eat real foods
5. Don't buy things that I won't use a lot
6. Borrow and share stuff
7. Use what I already have and use it until it is unusable
8. Reduce the amount of new manufacturing required for my life
9. Limit the amount or red meat and diary products I consume
10. The amount of packaging waste created should be a factor in purchasing
It is a start at least. It is not a new story but it matters. The system is perpetuated by millions of tiny, daily decisions.
I miss Zambia. I miss my house and my village. I miss my way of life there and the work I was doing. But I think the most difficult part now is not that missing but that my life there feels so distant and inaccessible. It is difficult to find parts of my life now that relate. I was talking to one woman I don't know very well about being back in the US and her response was "well you must be so happy to be back!" I said yes I was but I was also happy in Zambia too. To which she said, "Well but you wouldn't want to live that way forever."
There are some really nice things about being in America. There are LOTS of really convenient things about being in America. But for every thing that is easy or nice (like hot showers, grocery stores, washing machines) there are things in Zambia that I really miss and can't have (like outdoor showers, leisurely Sundays doing my laundry by hand while listening to the BBC). So though taking a hot shower is really nice, cold milk is really nice, it also just doesn't matter that much.
It is strange that for every convenience here it seems there is something very peaceful forfeited.
I told my friend once that the great thing about living in the village is you are forced to have amazing experiences. For instance, I hardly ever choose to get up at sunrise but having to catch the bus at 5:30 in the mornings made me be regularly present for the very peaceful experience of walking though a quiet village as the sun comes up. You really learn to appreciate the opportunity instead of getting stuck in the inconvenience. Experiences of equal peace, exhilaration, beauty or novelty are very easy to avoid here.
So it comes down to what new decisions will I make in this old context- now that expectations have changed and my perception of happy living has widened.
I said many times while I was in Peace Corps that I expected this experience to allow me a step back - a greater freedom from the binds of American life. It is distressing to find that is actually still easy to get swept up in that current.
I have been cleaning out my room - an overwhelming process simply because I am a pack rat - but also turning out to be strangely emotional. Having a room full of useless stuff feels disgusting. Evidence of an excessive culture- evidence of how personal that excessive culture is within me. The difficult part is feeling disgusted by the stuff and also, at the same time, feeling emotionally attached to it. It is turning out to be a neat little example of my struggle. Wanting something else, having a different perspective than I did before, but still feeling the force of habit and nostalgia which make it hard to change.
I have been thinking about why it is so hard to change personal habits or even collective cultural habits when there are better ways and when it is obvious our routine is not working. I think some of it is laziness or maybe I should say overwhelmedness, because figuring out how exactly you want to change things takes some work. Some of it is cultural pressure because other people want to feel validated in not changing their own habits. Some of it is an addiction to luxury. But no one is entitled to luxury. Some of it is nostalgia for every detail about one's way of life. I think this is an interesting thing to think about - the nostaligia of lifestyle. When things are tied to memories, loved ones, and tradition the answer to the question "is this good for me?" is not easy to embrace. It isn't easy to even ask.
I am trying to decide what is worth doing, what is worth being forceful about. This is what I have so far.
1. Don't drive places that are easy to walk to
2. Don't own a car at all
3. Prioritize local food - which may mean more money but from what I will save on buying fewer TVs and fuel it should work out
4. Eat real foods
5. Don't buy things that I won't use a lot
6. Borrow and share stuff
7. Use what I already have and use it until it is unusable
8. Reduce the amount of new manufacturing required for my life
9. Limit the amount or red meat and diary products I consume
10. The amount of packaging waste created should be a factor in purchasing
It is a start at least. It is not a new story but it matters. The system is perpetuated by millions of tiny, daily decisions.
posted by Keli at 8:15 AM
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